The Chicago Grandma

My 93 year old grandmother died yesterday.
She was my long-distance grandma as a child.
She was a remarkable woman.
She spoke two languages, wrote a book, and traveled by car, boat, and plane.
She lived deeply, and loved deeply.  
She loved books and word games.  A Tree Grows in Brooklyn sits on my shelf.  It came from hers.
She taught us how to play scrabble...and never let us win.  Instead, she encouraged us to learn.
She valued her heritage, both her parents being first generation Americans from Sweden.  When I was in college, she went to Sweden for a visit and had a fabulous time.
She loved good food.  Pickled herring and lingonberry jam, swedish pancakes, swedish meatballs over mashed potatoes, scrambled eggs cooked with real butter, and pickles from ALDI.  That's one thing she missed when she moved to Door County, was ALDI and their pickles..so she said the last time we visited her.  I should have sent her a jar for Christmas.  We like their pickles too.
She loved her Lord and her Lutheran church home.  Her book was about it's history.  Her life, demonstrating service at every opportunity.
She loved her family.  She cherished every moment we had together, though they were few and far between.

I have a conglomeration of odd memories.  I remember her complimenting my other grandma's tacos.  I remember a rush of cleaning to get ready for her visit, for she appreciated a tidy home.  I remember scrabble, and rummy 500 games that included our entire family.  I remember lots of cooking, of cardoman coffee cake braids, and swedish meatballs simmering on the stove.  Then there were our visits to her.  I remember eating at a greek place, the Studio, & Hackneys in Chicago.  I remember my first fascination with art  and science in it's museums.  I remember her house and the busy street it was on, and thinking the bushes in her back yard were olives.  I remember being shown a town-home in another part of town and the lament of a fireplace left behind.  I remember the beautiful things throughout her home.  I remember a gift of a stone bird whistle from a shop, my most prized possession for years.  I remember my uncle's boat, and the wonder of sleeping on the water.  I still love being near water and trees.
 I remember the muslin wedding dress prototype that didn't fit, and going to be fitted for my real one.  I remember her on my wedding day.  I remember taking a van up there to fetch a table and a couch when she was moving out of her house, admitting the yard was a bit much for her to maintain.   I remember her sense of victory in getting our baby to eat a banana, who had always HATED bananas before.  I remember our last visit with her, in her apartment with a few chosen and cherished things, watching her sit at a table and play scrabble with my oldest son, who  hasn't eaten another banana since.  She let him win.  Maybe it was the magic of being a great-grandson.
  I remember a chaotic meal with my uncle and aunt, strained conversation about children and bats.  I remember her face beaming to have several of her chicks gathered in one place.  That's where my memories of her freeze in place.  We always meant to go back one more time.  It wasn't long after that visit her health started to fade.   Now she's joined Clarence, who I barely remember, in the grave.

I have a few pictures.  I have my wedding dress she made for me, probably her last major sewing project, for even then she was almost 80.  I have the imprints she's made in my personality and my tastes, and I have her blue eyes.  Here's hoping as I grow older, I also have her sense of adventure and joy in life.

Unscheduled time does not mean unused time

After changeover at the clothing center yesterday, a friend & I dropped off some cast offs and went to lunch.
She asked me, "Are you sure you have time?"
I replied "Yes.  I had changeover this morning and Ms. D has girl scouts tonight, so I left my afternoon unscheduled.  I always try to plan to leave one day part "free", so if  I have a morning and thing and an evening thing, the afternoon is open."
She just stared at me dumbfoundedly and said "I wish I had that luxury."
I feel like I didn't explain it well enough.
As a stay at home mom with six kids, it's easy to become overwhelmed by "schedules."  There is church, PTA, sports, errands, doctors appointments, and various other things always demanding my time.  As a more creative personality type, if I get too "rule-driven" or "schedule-driven" I just break down and get nothing done.  So I build a block of "flex-time" into my day.  It's not necessarily "free time."  Merely time where I can choose, at that moment, what my priorities are.  Yesterday, at that moment, I chose to get to know an acquaintance better and have lunch at Zarda barbecue.  Today, at this moment, I am choosing to blog while supervising my kindie's homework.   Another day, another moment, I may choose unload and load the dishwasher and start of  load of laundry or sweep the dining room.  Housework always has to be done, but it's much less of a drudge when it's a choice.   There are enough "this has to be done NOW" moments in life, without imposing them on myself.  As long as the house isn't a health hazard, the kids have clean clothes and are fed, and my husband is happy, everything is all right.

Tomorrow is Princess P's birthday!

As a mom, there are so many things we want for our children.

We always want to give our kids more.  

Our job is just to give them enough.  

We want them to feel like they're on a mountain top every day.

Our job is to show them the satisfaction of climbing the mountain.

We want for their best to always be good enough.

Sometimes our job is to redirect their efforts so it will be.

  

 It's hard to believe at 4:23 am tomorrow, my baby girl will be seven. Princess P has a passion about life, a zest to her, that brings sunshine (and sometimes thunder & lightning!) to those around her.  She feels deeply, and lives deeply, diving head-first into whatever she wants to do, and dropping without regret those things she doesn't.  She's not afraid to ask what she wants, when she wants it.  She is still learning to take no with grace sometimes, but she knows it's always okay to ask once.
     This year she asked for a birthday party.  Her birthday is on a Saturday, and she's never had one, so how could I say no?  The expectations started out big, the pool with every child she's ever played with at recess and the park and in her class and her girl scout troop and every single sparkie from AWANA.   Could all of Ms. D's friends come too?  We  gently explained that while that would be nice, it was outside the scope of what we could afford....a good precedent to set before she starts planning her wedding.
     We settled on a sort-of-intimate Hello Kit-"tea" party at our home.  We narrowed the guest list to just under a dozen of her closest friends.  We planned a craft, sprung at Amazon for a themed game, and bought the mix and toppers for the cupcakes.  Tomorrow will be a big day.

Valentines day is almost upon us!

Happy engagement anniversary to us today.

That aside, I'm in a mild panic about the upcoming V-day festivities.
Chips for sixth grade?  Check.
 Cards n' stuff for all 5 elementary kids? I *think* I have all the cards and such purchased, but not a one is signed.  Half-way there.
 The real fun is that I'm a room parent for fourth grade.
E-mail "reminders" to our junk food snack, water bottle, and paper goods parents for fourth grade...uh, a little late now.
Healthy snack for fourth grade?  Yeah, I need to go to the store.  I *think* I'm going to do watermelon or strawberry hearts w/ pretzel & cheese arrows. We'll see how that looks in reality, and if it's something I can throw together between 8:15-11am on Thursday morning. 
How about a game to keep the younglings busy after they're done stuffing their faces?  Matching heart pieces with math facts or synonyms. Mmmm. No.  They're a little young to play spin the bottle.  Leaning towards bingo.  We haven't done that yet. Maybe not.  This class is 16:7 boys to girls.  They like active games.  Too bad I can't take them outside for archery practice.  We do have a nerf bow/arrow set.  I'd only need about 10 more, and hope to not get in trouble with the "weapons" policy.
Maybe we could just let them raid their valentines early, or play a ring toss game with heart shaped rings. Hey, that might work!  I could do make that, maybe.  I could use empty soda bottles for the "posts" and make the rings out of...well, I don't know.    Maybe we should just play bingo.  There's really nothing wrong with bingo.

It is finished!

I will post, and post, and post about our eldest sons successful science project until our friends all roll their eyes or start running away.  This was a HUGE milestone for the boy child, because in general,he does not do projects well, or anything that takes a good deal of persistence.

   He's one of those kids where everything always came easy to him.  He didn't see the point in homework since he did well on tests.  His grades were good, what did it matter if he turned everything in, much less everything on time?  Enter middle school.  The party was over.

   He spent most of seventh grade alternating between tears and denial.  This year, something clicked.  He knew something had to change.  He has big dreams and goals for life, and they weren't going to be met if he didn't learn some better habits.  More homework started getting turned in,  but anything that took too much thought still wasn't getting the marks he wanted.  He needed to learn not to rush through things, to slow down and really do his best, because "getting by" wasn't going work anymore.  Enter the science project.

   The seventh grade science project taught him about the "process", but the idea was engineered by an "experiment wizard."  This is eighth grade.  Their honors project was to be an "invention."  They had to find their own problem, and a solution that's not on the market already, ideally without breaking their parents bank accounts.  At first, he was excited.  All he had to do was come up with ten problems, and find a solution for one of them.  Then he started his market research, and realized there aren't a lot of "new" ideas out there.  There was one he thought would work.  I wasn't thrilled, and neither was his teacher...but we both kept our mouths shut and let him finish his research.  He wasn't thrilled either when he realized it wouldn't work, and he was a month behind because he had to start over again.

This was do or die point number one.  In the past, boy child would have given up here...going I can't, or it's too hard...or I'm already late.  Why bother.  This time, he kept looking for an idea.  That idea came from a friend of mine on FB.  She posted a status about wishing she could find a way for her dog to be interested in exercising without her being involved every, single, second...especially when it's cold outside.  She commented about how her dog liked to chase squirrels, but they never stayed around long enough.

The first edition of the idea for the "Exer-Squirrel" was born.  He did his market research.  He did his customer survey.  He was granted teacher and parent approval.  He looked into ways to build the thing.

His first thought was a "track" around a fence line, maybe a slot track like the greyhounds use at the races.

We went shopping.  Slot track was $15 a foot.  Not in this household.  sorry.

How about a regular track, and a remote control vehicle/ or a reversible motor.  Well, we started down that road.  It wasn't cheap either...and the squirrels tail kept getting stuck under the car.  We fixed the squirrel, but realized we needed to protect the track from the elements and possibly animals.  The stuff to encase it that was clear, well....budget strike out #2...not to mention the car issues.

By this point it was about Christmas break.  He had an "I" on his report card.  When he returned, he was kicked out of class until the project paper was completed.  His motivation stepped up a notch.

We consulted an outside "expert", a friend with three dogs who does handy-man work and contracting for a living.  It was becoming clear we'd need real tools to finish this thing, and at that point, we didn't have any.

After some discussion about materials costs, and  how long we "really" needed it to be, boy child settled on a plan.  He scrapped the idea of it traveling all the way around the fenceline, opting for a conveyer belt that ran along one side instead.  We discussed the motor issue, and decided pillaging one out of a fan would be easier than building one, especially since the clock was ticking and he was running out of time.  Granted, there were still some minor road bumps along the way,but he didn't drop the class....and he didn't give up on the project.  He finished it the night before they were scheduled to make their display boards, and turned in his report.  He's back on track.  Here's hoping he stays there.

kinds of kids

I know that people are individuals, but we can't seem to resist grouping them.  I tend to categorize young children by the methods they attempt to self destruct, putting their parents at wits end.This morning on the news there was a story of a motivated, intelligent, three year old who seemed to decide the dog needed to go for a walk, at 4am...and his parents didn't wake up until 4:45.  All I felt for these parents was sympathy.  I'm glad the child was found safe.  I just hope the community around his household doesn't get too judgy.  For the kid was clearly a Houdini child.

I have a friend who had a Houdini child who enjoyed escaping from car-seats.  He somehow managed to live to adulthood, and is still a very creative soul.  My boy number three had a few Houdini moments,but thankfully this wasn't his lifestyle choice.  These kids are 1)smart,2) extremely coordinated for their age and 3)QUIET toddlers.  This kid being awake when a parent is distracted for five minutes, say cooking or nursing; or sleeping, is a challenge to say the least.   These are the people who put leashes on their kids in shopping centers, and people look at the docile child and feel sorry for them.  Except that the third time mom takes her little escape artist to Walmart with his monkey backpack with strap around the waist duct-taped on, he somehow loses her between the cereal aisle and the canned goods.  Fortunately the child is usually pretty easy to find, being a kid....he'll be up on the second level bike rack in toys.

Also among the ranks of kids are those who are "permanently content."  At first, this seems like a blessing.  This baby never cries.  He's compliant and easy to manage as a toddler/preschooler.  He can keep himself occupied for HOURS with anything.  The real parenting quandaries with this child are when 1) something breaks the child is attached to, 2) one needs to find a form of negative discipline that well, works.  Most parents figure out 1) pretty fast.  If the kid doesn't sleep with it, it can just disappear during the night, and he'll look for it in the morning, then shrug it off and play with something else.  If the kid does sleep with it, well, scrappy will eventually be outgrown or the kid will start preschool and you can pull a switch.  There might be some minor resistance the first night, but after that it's smooth sailing.  It's 2) that sends parents over the edge.  Thankfully, since Mr. Contentment is extremely compliant, the p word isn't really an issue all that often.  I have a teenager in this category, and I merely want him to get his schoolwork done on time.  He's really great overall.  His answer to any small  household request from unloading the dishwasher to babysitting a couple of hours is okay.  We have tried many ways to reach him.
Converstation A:
"Do you have any homework?"
"No."
"What about x class?"
"Done."
"Show it to your Dad then."
"Mom." rolls his eyes and retreats to his cave.

Conversation B:
"How is your project going?"
"Fine."
"When is it due?"
"2 weeks ago."

Conversation C;
"That was a fabulous grade you got on your Divergent journal"
Chesire cat smile from boy.
" How do you think we can apply those skills to some of your other schoolwork?"
"I don't know."

Obviously, talking hasn't worked very well.  Last year we took away his electronics.  The thing is, the kid likes to read.  So we took away his leisure books.  He spent his time drawing.  I can't take away his paper and pencils.  He needs those to do his homework!  His father has this temperment too, and I admit, it makes an easy man to live with.

On the other end of the toddler spectrum is "danger baby." No matter how diligent the parent, it only takes a few minutes nursing a younger sibling, using the bathroom, or some other totally unnecessary task for this child to seize his opportunity. These are the quiet, curious kids! (If they were more vocal, we could head off some of their adventures!)  Boy #3 is the poster child for danger baby.  You name it, he's done.  Pushed up a chair to the stove, loaded a pot with wooden utensils and turned it on.  Check.  Climbed out on the roof, in November, NAKED.  Check.  Cut a vacuum cord with kitchen shears while it was plugged in.  check.  Thankfully that last one had a spectacular enough effect he now checks with us before conducting experiments.

I could go on, but I'm sure you all get the idea by now.  Right now I need to go chase monkey boy.  Bet you can guess what his thing is.

It's 2013? Really.

It's 2013.  That means that Mr. Man and I have been together for sixteen years.  It really doesn't feel like it's been that long.  Today was a day that highlighted why I love my husband though.
He is a rock.  Pretty much unwavering.
I'm more like the waves.  I have a lot more ups and downs.  Today was waaay down.
And what crashed me, was a series of events, including a huge emotional tidal wave mid-afternoon.
The rock was still there when I  came back.

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Let me tell you something else about Mr.Man.  I.do.not.control.him.  I don't change his mind either.
Somewhere along the way in our marriage, many people have stoned the messenger so to speak.
This is because he's pretty silent, and averse to conflict....so even when something bugs him he's reluctant to make waves.  Thankfully, we rarely disagree.  A lot of times, I even bend my opinion to his.  Yet somehow, because I'm the "voice" in the relationship most of the time, occasionally people assume I'm the instigator of all opinions, and that my own come first.  Not so.  I am big fan of submission doctrine.  (That is a post for another time.)
He has a friend who can't believe I buy all his clothes.  He hates to shop.  He's given me very specific parameters about his preferences.  I keep the receipts.  He's happier not to mess with it.
He has a relative who believes I "made" his religious views change.  Uh, no.  They "changed" about eight years before I met him.   It's just before I became his connection, he chose not to make them known, because he.hates.conflict.
Anyone else who has any doubts can eat with us for a week....and then ask my parents about how I felt about tomatoes while I was growing up.
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I still have a lot to learn from my husband.  His constant "what will be will be" attitude would be a good place to start. Not everything that's broken needs to be fixed.  After all, "you can still play with it."