Those of you who know us know our kids can be a tad well, uncivilized in toddler years, but then magically turn into very pleasant people once they're around 4-6. Overall though, all of kids try to listen and are compassionate, friendly, human beings, a fact I'm proud of and have heard comments on for years. If you're reading this, you're already in the upper half, as per our favorite preschool teacher, because you care enough to parent intentionally.
I've already done the biblical version of this, so this is our practical version...(although it does follow biblical principles.) So here's my unofficial, unsubstantiated, unprofessional, parenting guide, famously known as "What works for us." (Because I have been asked...not because I think I'm perfect. There's plenty of material within this blog to prove otherwise.)
1) Kids grow into your expectations. I don't mean that if you expect your kid to be Einstein, he'll be a scientific genius. I mean that if you have "good thoughts" and "good attitudes" towards your children...that you know they're a great kid, that they just sometimes have their moments...they feel that...and eventually they will want to be the kid you think they are. Parents have great power in kids self image...more than we realize. I'm not saying to totally ignore Tiny Timmy's pyro tendencies. I'm merely suggesting that we work very hard to find something positive in his personality to be our primary focal point, especially when talking to him and around him, which brings me to point 2.
2) Kids aren't deaf. Even babies and toddlers can get the gist of what you're saying about them. That's why it's so important to stay positive about our kids as a habit. I'm not saying we don't need to vent or seek advice or be overwhelmed from time to time. It's just around our kids is not the place to express that.
3) Kids want their parents attention. And will do anything that works. They are not out to get you. They are out to be noticed by you. If we ignore our kids when they want attention we will pay....We all know that. The trick is to know how to give them the attention they need while getting the stuff we need to get done done. I tend to err on the side of the kids, as my house will testify.
4) I am the only adult with only my child's best interests at heart. Now granted, there are times I have to balance this with my best interests or my spouse's, but in general you are your child's only true advocate. We had a child we knew had a language isssue. The school district didn't believe us, and told us he was just "stubborn." We took him to an allergist and our family doctor. A few changes in his diet and some speech therapy paid out of pocket, and he's a whole different kid....one who is called "just sweet" and "eager to please" by his school now. (We live in a totally different district now too. We homeschooled our oldest in district A. He attends in district B. Again, according to what's best for him.) Sometimes, doing what's best for my kid is a pain for me...but kind of like labor pain, the joy of seeing my child succeed is worth it.
Getting help when we need help falls under this category too.
5) To keep from getting upset, I always remember this quote from Vicki Iovine. "Consider all childish behaviors normal. Part of our jobs as parents is to discourage those normal behaviors that are destructive or annoying to us or others." Really, your kid is not the first to turn on the stove with wooden utensils on it, climb on the roof naked, drink children's Benedryll, or cut a cord with kitchen shears....while plugged in. You can bet none of these things will happen twice in our household though! A calm parent is an effective parent. A purple, crying, pleading parent is a very entertaining parent. They just might repeat the behavior just to see you put on a show again. A yelling parent is a scary parent. Scared kids might be compliant at the time, but they grow up to build brick houses to keep the hot air out. We try to be as boring as possible when our kids are misbehaving. "Quiet mom" is not a good sign around here.
6) Make a big deal out of "small" achievements. What's small to us is not small to them. A stick figure on the fridge becomes a cartoon becomes a pencil drawing with shading becomes......well, you get the idea.
7) The carrot and the stick. Some people might call this natural consequences...but I believe a little engineering of the consequences isn't a bad idea now and then. "If...then" is a powerful phrase in parenting.
"If you are good in Sam's, then we'll have time to stop at Toy's R Us."
"If you get your room clean by x, then we will have time to go to the park." Then leave them alone in their room. It's hard...but I swear it works. It may not seem like it works the first few times, but like trying new foods, new discipline structures take some time for kids to adjust to. There is no magic bullet.
Sometimes a surprise carrot is in order. "Look, we got what we needed done here early! Let's stop by the arcade!"
But the stick shouldn't EVER be a surprise, that leads to.....
8) Kids are not psychic, or even particularly knowledgeable. They don't "know" how to act. They have to be taught. We make sure, that we as parents, are aware of what needs to be taught for each age and stage. Most of the time, kids really don't "know better." (especially true with the under six set!)
9) Back up rules by outside authorities whenever possible, especially with older kids. They like to know the why, but as they are asserting their independence, sometimes it's better if the why doesn't come from you.
Mr. M and I are rather conservative on the entertainment front. Our oldest has friends who have seen recent movies like Wolverine and the new Star Trek. He has not. He's disappointed, but not mad at us. Why? Well, we agreed to go by Common Sense Media's guidelines. http://www.commonsensemedia.org We said no because they said no. He can look up the reviews himself, and if he disagrees...he can appeal. So far we've only made one exception for him, but he's okay with that. (disclaimer, he's not a full-fledged teen yet...so we haven't fully applied this principle. We'll see where it goes.)
10) is really #1! Make sure your kids know you love them. Hug them. Hold them. Take them out to lunch. That verse about training up a child in the way he should go often drops an important part of the translation "according to his bend." Show them you know what their interests are, and help them develop the healthy ones. Show them how awesome you think they are, just as they are. They won't disappoint you.
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